Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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