I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why did my mother make you get naked?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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