so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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