I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
