Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
