he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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