i need an iv and a liver transplant
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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