Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
