the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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