im about as happy as oj after his trial
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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