Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
