Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
