You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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