i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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