i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
