Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
