I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
