the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
