Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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