I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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