I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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