I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
