Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
