even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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