It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Vodka?
Forever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
