Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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