here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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