paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
