Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I could make wine with my vomit
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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