I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
