I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
