so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
