I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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