Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
