her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
