i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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