i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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