You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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