I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
