you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
