Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Kiss
Puke
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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