How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think my fart just growled at me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
