so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
