I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
