I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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