I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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