i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
