I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
