I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
