lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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