I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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