Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Randomize
