And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
