some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
