I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
