so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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